Funny Quotes - Page 31

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas.

The best time to make friends is before you need them.

Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports... all the others are games.

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.

The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

I love you like a fat kid love cake.

I keep sailing on in this middle passage. I am sailing into the wind and the dark. But I am doing my best to keep my boat steady and my sails full.

A man told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, 'for a man you're kind of ignorant'.

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus.

Believe in yourself and don't care about haters.

I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce.

Bulldogs have been known to fall on their swords when confronted by my superior tenacity.

Most of all the other beautiful things in life come by twos and threes, by dozens and hundreds. Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows, brothers, and sisters, aunts and cousins, but only one mother in the whole world.

It takes two to speak the truth: one to speak, and another to hear.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

My goal in sailing isn't to be brilliant or flashy in individual races, just to be consistent over the long run.