Funny Quotes - Page 28

There's a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter.

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Happiness does not come from doing easy work but from the afterglow of satisfaction that comes after the achievement of a difficult task that demanded our best.

Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

Until you have learned to be tolerant with those who do not always agree with you; until you have cultivated the habit of saying some kind word of those whom you do not admire; until you have formed the habit of looking for the good instead of the bad there is in others, you will be neither successful nor happy.

I had explained that a woman's asking for equality in the church would be comparable to a black person's demanding equality in the Ku Klux Klan

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.

Young people everywhere have been allowed to choose between love and a garbage disposal unit. Everywhere they have chosen the garbage disposal unit.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

By the way, did you ever realize that if Moses would have turned right instead of left, we'd have had the oil, the Arabs would have had the sand?

We have federal regulations and state laws that prohibit hunting ducks with more than three rounds. And yet it's legal to hunt humans with 15-round, 30-round, even 150-round magazines.

It's better to live one day as a lion than a dozen years as a sheep.

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.