Funny Quotes - Page 9

There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.

Prejudices are what fools use for reason.

Why don't you say "What?" if you like to sleep with your own sister.

If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

There's a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork. And it's wrong. All roads lead away from Ankh-Morpork, but sometimes people just walk along them the wrong way.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

If you are in trouble anywhere in the world, an airplane can fly over and drop flowers, but a helicopter can land and save your life.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

In God we trust; all others bring data.

The men liked to put me down as the best woman painter. I think I'm one of the best painters.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

You don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game.

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Aw, how could he Jorge Orta lose the ball in the sun, he's from Mexico.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.