Funny Quotes - Page 92

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused.

Big Poppa Pump is your hook up, and the next heavyweight championship of the world!

A true heiress is never mean to anyone - except a girl who steals your boyfriend.

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.

Most people are willing to take the Sermon on the Mount as a flag to sail under, but few will use it as a rudder by which to steer.

If you have a job without aggravations, you don't have a job.

Love your haters - they're your biggest fans

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

If a thing's worth doing at all, it's worth doing well.

No, I don't understand my husband's theory of relativity, but I know my husband and I know he can be trusted.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing. And he vows his passion is, Infinite, undying. Lady make note of this -- One of you is lying.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.

To help a friend in need is easy, but to give him your time is not always opportune.

There is hardship in everything except eating pancakes.

We don't stop going to school when we graduate.