Funny Quotes - Page 94

Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.

The lunatic fringe wags the underdog.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best.

Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it's nothing.

My dream was to be either a volleyball player or a veterinarian.

How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry to a woman.

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.

The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh.

You can be young without money but you can't be old without it.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.