Funny Quotes - Page 95

If I eat a huge meal and I can get the girl to rub my belly, I think that's about as romantic as I can think of.

If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help.

Humanism was not invented by man, but by a snake who suggested that the quest for autonomy might be a good idea.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.

A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

Prediction is very difficult, especially if it's about the future.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Music and silence combine strongly because music is done with silence, and silence is full of music.

What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.

Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself.

To err is human, but it feels divine.

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis, I've got a couple of M-16s, couple of nines, couple of joints with some silencers on them, couple of grenades, got a missile launcher. I'm ready for war.

If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he's not the problem.

I always used to tell my players that we are here to win! And you know what, Al? When you don't win, you lose.

If I love you, what business is it of yours?

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

Dachshund: A half-a-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Ronald Regan doesn't dye his hair - he's just prematurely orange.

Why, except as a means of livelihood, a man should desire to act on the stage when he has the whole world to act in, is not clear to me.