Funny Quotes - Page 91

Pain is temporary, film is forever.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

Everyone rises to their level of incompetence.

If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it, as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time.

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

If you cannot be positive, then at least be quiet.

Haters...are all failures. It's 100% across the board. No one who is truly brilliant at anything is a hater.

When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

It is funny that men who are supposed to be scientific cannot get themselves to realise the basic principle of physics, that action and reaction are equal and opposite, that when you persecute people you always rouse them to be strong and stronger.

On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

I hate storms, but calms undermine my spirits.

Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.

It's like deja-vu, all over again.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Whenever there is a hard job to be done I assign it to a lazy man; he is sure to find an easy way of doing it.

There are, always and only, the bad people, but some of them are on opposite sides.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.