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George Carlin Quotes - Page 2

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I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

Funny, Thinking, Should Have

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls you.

Hurt, Giving Up, Drinking

Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: 'Try to live together peacefully.' BAM! Right in the f--in head! Aparently we're not ready for that!

Jesus, Kings, Hate

Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.

People, Choices, Inability

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Funny, Wedding, Truth

"When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?". Book by George Carlin, 2004.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Funny, Philosophy, Health

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.

Honesty, Philosophy, Collapse

"George Carlin: You Are All Diseased". TV Special, www.imdb.com. 1999.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

Funny, Philosophy, Humor

A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street.

Heart, Sleep, Dental Floss

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

Funny, Philosophy, Humor

Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a... secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in.

Government, Law, Games

"Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics". Comedy album by George Carlin, 1990.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Glasses, People, Optimism

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

Men, Answers, Lasts

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Funny, Humor, Beer

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

Mathematical Logic, People, Three

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

Selfish, Leader, Ignorant

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Inspirational, Life, Music

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Media, Different, Politician

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.

Running, Smart, Thinking

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.

Wise, Wisdom, Memories

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

They'll get it all from you sooner or later 'cause they own this f**kin' place. It's a big club and you ain't in it. You and I are not in the big club. By the way, it's the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table is tilted, folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good, honest, hard-working people: white collar, blue collar, it doesn't matter what color shirt you have on.

Believe, Hard Work, Thinking

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

Following, Statements

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Work, Pay, Terrific

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