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George Carlin Quotes - Page 3

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War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.

War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.

War, Men, Class

The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

Mean, Deception, Usual

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Anniversary, Firsts, Succeed

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Funny, Disappointment, Humor

"A Note on George Carlin about Steroids and Sports from a Practical Idealist" by Carol Smaldino, www.huffingtonpost.com. June 19, 2009.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Funny, Ambition, Humor

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Funny, Witty, Peace

"Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television". Stand-up act, edition.cnn.com. 1972.

People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. 'Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they're going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking.

Song, Hate, Eye

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

Funny, Life, Humor

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

Humorous, Challenges, Sides

Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes of death...has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea.

Christian, Years, Ideas

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Library, Adults, Bookstores

Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.

Believe, Men, Sky

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

"Why My Journey Of Grief Is So Like A Butterfly’s Metamorphosis" by Laurie Burrows Grad, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 4, 2016.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Giving, Political, Incentives

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Friendship, True Friend, Funny Best Friend

If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.

Voting, Would Be, Illegal

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Stills, Pencils, Ifs

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Atheist, Stupid People, Organization

If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.

Quality, Serious, Problem

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Funny, Humor, Machines

Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.

Morning, Doctors, World

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

Funny, Humor, Names

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Funny, Travel, Airplane

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.>>.

Military, Thinking, World

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

Florida, Age, Temperature

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