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George Carlin Quotes - Page 4

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Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

Humorous, Disease, Impossible

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

Stupid, Stupid People, Past

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Inspirational, Life, What If

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body

Happiness, Fun, Over You

Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.

People, Fake, Democracy

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

Hate, Communication, Too Much

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

There's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's never going to get any better. Don't look for it. Be happy with what you've got, because the owners of this country don't want that. I'm talking about the real owners now... the real owners. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners.

Education, Country, Real

"Life Is Worth Losing". Documentary, Comedy, 2005.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.

Years, Paradox

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Funny, Sarcastic, Dream

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.

Emotional, Hypocrisy, Comfort

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?

Military, America, Soldier

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!

Country, Philosophy, Party

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

Paradox, Possession, Values

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

Nike, Philosophy, War

"Real Time" with Bill Maher, September 9, 2005.

We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.

Fashion, Needs, Shapes

"Stand-up comic - Interview". The Progressive Vol. 65 Nbr., July 7, 2001.

If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem.

Thinking, Problem, Solutions

George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.11, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Inspirational, Funny, Witty

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Numbers, Records, Alive

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

Hate, Humorous, Schedules

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.

Lying, People, Judging

"George Carlin: What Am I Doing in New Jersey?". TV Special, www.imdb.com. June 12, 1988.

When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

Serious Person, Talking, Political

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?

Book, Self, Helping

"George Carlin: Complaints & Grievances". TV Special, www.imdb.com. November 17, 2001.

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.

Life Is, Staying Young, Persons

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Funny, Humor, Men

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