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George Carlin Quotes - Page 23

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There is a core of loneliness. It's partly existential. Secondly, I was raised a loner. My parents were not there. My father was asked to leave because he couldn't metabolize ethanol. Actually, my mother ran away with

There is a core of loneliness. It's partly existential. Secondly, I was raised a loner. My parents were not there. My father was asked to leave because he couldn't metabolize ethanol. Actually, my mother ran away with us when I was 2 months old and my brother was 5. Real dramatic stuff: down the fire escape, through backyards. So, I sort of raised myself. I was alone a lot and I invented myself - I lived through the radio and through my imagination.

Mother, Brother, Father

Interview with Ricky Young, www.motherjones.com. March/April 1997.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Life, Time, Calendars

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.

Crazy, Stupid, Men

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.550, Hachette UK

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

Suicide, Stupid, Practice

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.

Heart, Divorce, World

Interview with Sam Merrill, reprints.longform.org. January 1982.

Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.

Needs, Feels, Connected

We use up words like 'spiritual' so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago spiritual had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is bogosity a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it 'how I fit'.

Spiritual, Years, Atheism

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com. March 1997.

You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.

Guatemala, Fruit, Tropical

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

People, Laughing, Missing

Religion - religion, at best - at BEST - is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better - fine. But you don't need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don't ask me to wear your shoes. And let's not go down and nail lifts onto the natives' feet.

Feel Better, Shoes, Feet

When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.

Morning, Mean, Eight

Interview with Sam Merrill, reprints.longform.org. January 1982.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

Money, Guy, Littles

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] "Look, they nearly missed!" "Yes, but not quite.

Bullshit, Missing, Looks

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.275, Hachette UK

The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything.

School, Ideas, Giving

I'm sure Hitler was great with his family.

Family

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

Humorous, Stupid People, Catholic

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

I love individuals. I think people are terrific as I meet and get to know them. I like imagination. I like the freedom that this society manages to parcel out to us in the midst of the rest of what they do to you. I also like thinking about the fact that the atoms in me are the same atoms that are in all the rest of the universe, and that every one of those atoms came from the middle of a star. In other words, it's only me out there.

Stars, Thinking, People

Source: www.motherjones.com

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

Decision, Groups, Enough

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

Humorous, Tired, Guilt

Let's suppose we all just materialized on Earth and there was a bunch of potatoes on the ground, okay? There's just six of us. Only six humans. We come into a clearing and there's potatoes on the ground. Now, my instinct would be, let's everybody get some potatoes. "Everybody got a potato? Joey didn't get a potato! He's small, he can't hold as many potatoes. Give Joey some of your potatoes." "No, these are my potatoes!" That's the Republicans. "I collected more of them, I got a bigger pile of potatoes, they're mine. If you want some of them, you're going to have to give me something."

Giving, Earth, Republican

I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.

People, Essentials, Phrases

Interview with Sam Merrill, reprints.longform.org. January 1982.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

Heart, Two, Burning

In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.

Atheist, Bullshit, Clergymen

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.

Gun, Boys, Forever

Source: www.avclub.com

In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.

Marine, Navy, Holes

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