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George Carlin Quotes - Page 25

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Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick

Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick

Christian, Sticks, Worship

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

Hate, Feelings, Dr Phil

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Funny, Baby, Two

My money buys me the freedom not to be a member of the corporate structure. And I certainly don't feel guilty or hypocritical about that. The way our economy is set up, if you don't want to be a corporate moron and you don't want to be enfeebled in the streets, you must earn enough to know that you'll never have to go to them for money.

Want, Way, Guilty

Interview with Sam Merrill, scrapsfromtheloft.com. January 1982.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Funny, Death, Long

The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.

Distance, Two, Lines

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.

Next, Clergymen, Rate

Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.

Art, Jobs, Lying

Source: www.psychologytoday.com

I don't really identify with America, I don't really feel like an American or part of the American experience, and I don't really feel like a member of the human race, to tell you the truth. I know I am, but I really don't. All the definitions are there, but I don't really feel a part of it. I think I have found a detached point of view, an ideal emotional detachment from the American experience and culture and the human experience and culture and human choices.

Emotional, Thinking, America

Source: www.psychologytoday.com

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

Humorous, Thinking, Ideas

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks.

Notebook, America, World

"Archive of American Television". Interview with Henry Colman and Jenni Matz, interviews.televisionacademy.com. December 17, 2007.

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

Funny, God, Atheist

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.

Thinking

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!" But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?"

Philosophy, White, Hair

"Occupation: Foole". Comedy album by George Carlin, 1973.

Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.

Government, Healthy, Mountain

What occurs as you age is an accumulation of information, data, knowledge, and what I'm going to call the matrix of the mind. There's just a rich, textured, field of information and impressions that have been all networked by the brain.

Data, Brain, Mind

Source: mavericksofthemind.com

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

Kids, Thinking, Years

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Funny, Humor, Stupid People

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.

Dream, Order, Space

Interview with Sam Merrill, reprints.longform.org. January 1982.

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.

Humorous, School, Firsts

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!

Funny, Friday, Clever

Cocaine was different. It kept saying, "You haven't had enough." I became an abuser almost instantly.

Different, Had Enough, Cocaine

Source: reprints.longform.org

I don`t understand a belief that there is an invisible being in the sky who watches over us all the time and keeps score and who throws you in a burning pit. I think that's very limiting, very antihuman. It's the way they devised for helping to control people because if they can make you believe in an invisible man who's going to hurt you later, they can make you believe anything!

Hurt, Believe, Men

On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.

Doors, Hands, May

Source: reprints.longform.org

I think you can talk about anything if the context is correctly arranged. If you set up the context and you bring the audience along carefully enough with you, you can get them to cross the line with you. What I try to do is talk about things that bother me, and I hope that in doing so I bother other people.

Thinking, People, Trying

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