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George Carlin Quotes - Page 20

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I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who

I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.

Opposites, Irony, Coincidence

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

Funny, Change, Money

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

All the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.

Long, People, Drug

Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.

Numbers, Records, Alive

My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.

Mother, Father, Language

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Long, Way, Firsts

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

Funny, Stupid, Humor

"George Carlin: Playin' with Your Head". TV Special, www.imdb.com. 1986.

Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising someone. I'm a great believer in context. You can joke about anything. I do like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it and bringing some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I did.

People, Quality, Different

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

Believe, Worry, Comedian

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

The effect of the coke on our relationship [with my wife Brenda] was very sick. Now that it's over, those were actually funny times. Looking for each other's coke, hiding it, finding it, doing some, not telling the other. Then fighting over it.

Fighting, Sick, Wife

Source: reprints.longform.org

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

Aging, Turns

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

Humorous, Thinking, Hitting

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."

Funny, Humor, Thinking

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

My history of moving away from drugs is not the kind you hear from most people. Certainly not from celebrities, especially those professionally recovering people. What I've noticed in my overuse of cocaine is the period of pleasure versus the period of pain. That is to say that when you first get high on anything, the pleasure is predominant and you don't pay much price. A little hangover or whatever it might be with another drug. But after a while the ratio begins to change, and there' s far more pain in the deal than pleasure. It just completely goes in another direction.

Pain, Moving, Hangover

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

Persistence, Advice, Finding Yourself

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

Dog, Sleep, Cat

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

Country, War, Humorous

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

Family, Pet, Hobbies

I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.

Prayer, Believe, Sorrow

Interview with Sam Merrill, reprints.longform.org. January 1982.

Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.

Law, Religion, Atheism

We created god in our own image and likeness!

Positive Atheism

Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.

Cutting, Thinking, Scratches

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

Friday, Christian, Monday

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