Top 25 Quotes by George Carlin of 976 - Page 22

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line. In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! I hope I'll be safe at home!

George Carlin

Sports, Baseball, Football

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.

George Carlin

Real, Views, Cynicism

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles."

George Carlin

Christian, Jesus, Philosophy

"Back in Town". Documentary, Comedy, 1996.

Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.

George Carlin

Country, Golf, Games

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak.

George Carlin

Religious, Fun, People

At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.

George Carlin

Thinking, Age, Three

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

George Carlin

Funny, Marriage, Sarcastic

Sex criminals. Completely incurable... I suppose you could outlaw religion and these sex crimes would disappear in a generation or two, but we don't have time for rational solutions.

George Carlin

Sex, Two, Criminals

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one: "Civil War." Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me?" (shoots gun) "I'm awfully sorry. Awfully sorry."

George Carlin

Country, Sorry, Philosophy

"What Am I Doing in New Jersey?". Live album by George Carlin, 1988.

If you're reading it in a book, folks, it ain't self-help. It's help.

George Carlin

Book, Reading, Self

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

George Carlin

Funny, Halloween, Night

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.86, Hachette UK

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.

George Carlin

Stupid, Party, Cat

That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.

George Carlin

Hands, Invisible Hand, People

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.217, Hachette UK

Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a tradition of the trickster, and the trickster was a clown, a humorous fellow. His task was to trick the gods, to humor the gods into laughing, so that there was access to the divine - because laughter is a moment when we are completely ourselves.

George Carlin

Laughter, Humorous, Laughing

Source: mavericksofthemind.com

Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.

George Carlin

Television, Violence, Violent

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

George Carlin

Funny, Humor, Rocks

"Napalm and Silly Putty". Book by George Carlin, 2001.

I like to say two things in life that mean the most: genetics and luck. When you look at it realistically, genetics is luck too. Because you could have been born in some really terrible situation and never had a chance to realize yourself or see who you were. And so the luck of genetics and then after that, circumstances, those are the two guiding things.

George Carlin

Mean, Things In Life, Two

Source: www.psychologytoday.com

Self-expression is a hallmark of an artist, of art, to get something off one's chest, to sing one's song. So that element is present in all art. It is the key to even standing up and saying, "Hey, listen to me." Self-expression can be based on looking at the world and making observations about it.

George Carlin

Song, Art, Keys

Source: www.psychologytoday.com

You get to play with people's little danger zones.

George Carlin

Play, People, Littles

"Bob Saget Riffs on 'The Aristocrats'". "News & Notes" with Ed Gordon, www.npr.org. August 12, 2005.

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

George Carlin

Cake, Names, Hot

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

I think religion is very anti-man. I think it's a terrible distortion and exploitation of a very natural urge every human has - to be rejoined with the one somehow, to become a part of the universe. Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.

George Carlin

Men, Thinking, Natural

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

George Carlin

Light, Darkness, Cursing

Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.

George Carlin

Sex, Children, Parent

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion