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George Carlin Quotes - Page 26

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Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.

Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.

Nice, Ideas, Comedian

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

Humorous, Ideas, Rope

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

Men, Illegal

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.

Music, Thinking, Somewhere Else

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.

Food, Cooking, Culinary

Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.

Airplane, Color, Three

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.

Stupid, People, Uniforms

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

Thinking, People, United States

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.

Struggle, Laughing, Lips

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Looks, Comedy, Areas

You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

Stupid, Fighting, Blow

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.81, Hachette UK

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

Humorous, Rivers, Swim

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

Funny, God, Powerful

Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.

Stupid, People, Bleeding

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.

Cancer, Causes, Show Me

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

Funny, God, Sarcastic

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

Running, Ideas, Two

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought that was a waste of time. I'd go out on the street corner and be funny. In a minute.

Practice, Piano, Waste

People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.

People, Relax, Littles

Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language.

Play, Creating, Roles

Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet.

Alive, Pleasure

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

Mistake, Phones, Mail

I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.

Country, Adventure, Thinking

Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.

Feel Better, Shoes, Religion

If there were only one cherry pie in the world, and Bill Clinton owned it, I might get a piece of it. If Bush or Reagan owned it, you'd have to kill them to get a piece of pie. That's my feeling about Bill. And Bill's a good bullshitter. America likes a good bullshitter. That's one of the reasons he was re-elected. Honesty has no place in politics. It would throw everything off.

Honesty, Pie, America

Source: www.motherjones.com

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