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George Carlin Quotes - Page 24

All Quotes Abortion Age Aging Airplane Alcohol Art Atheism Atheist Balance Baseball Beer Belief Boundaries Bullshit Cancer Children Choices Church Comedy Cooking Country Crime Culture Cynicism Death Drinking Dying Earth Effort Environment Evil Family Feelings Fighting Food Football Friday Fun Funny Getting High Giving Giving Up God Golf Growth Guilt Hard Work Hate Hatred Heart Hell Holiday Home Honesty House Humanity Hurt Hypocrisy Inspiration Inspirational Jesus Judging Killing Language Laughter Life Lying Memories Military Money Morning Mountain Observation Office Pain Past Peace Perspective Philosophy Pleasure Police Pot Prayer Quality Rain Reading Religion Running Safety Sarcasm School Science Selling Shame Sleep Smile Smoking Soul Speed Sports Talent Team Time Today Travel Truth Values Vegetarian Voting Waiting Wall War Water Wife Work Worry Worship Writing

Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)

Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)

Doors, Perception, Hallucinogens

When you start in the childhood period, when you begin to form a comic sense, it was the radio comedians - from the last days of radio and the first days of television. And Spike Jones. And the Marx Brothers. They represented anarchy. They took things that were nice and decent and proper, and they tore them to shreds. That attracted me.

Brother, Nice, Childhood

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

Humorous, Company

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Doctors, Comedy, Building

George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.53, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

Language is the most elementary aspect to our humanness, probably. In addition to that, it's the embodiment, it's the apotheosis of the human experience, it's the way we summarize ourselves.

Embodiment, Way, Apotheosis

Source: mikestarling.weebly.com

And now gay people want to get married... Haven't they suffered enough?

Gay, People, Want

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

Humorous, Wow, Bows

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

Smile, Rain, Keep Smiling

I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.

Sleep, Animal, Vegetarian

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Funny, Witty, Atheist

George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.52, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

Funny, Humor, Waiting Rooms

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Gas Stations, Locks, Bathroom

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

Funny, Sports, Humor

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

Two, Together, Schmucks

I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.

Thinking, Order, Judging

There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream.

Dream, Order, Two

Source: reprints.longform.org

A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?

Law, Two, Half

Everything beeps now.

Technology

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

Fitness, America, Soul

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.

Mother, Voice, Laughing

Source: reprints.longform.org

For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label.

Atheist, Labels, Belief

Las Vegas CityLife, August 09, 2007.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

Stupid, People, Hearing

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

Fun, Sound, Milk

Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

Grandmother, Pie, Baking

"George Carlin... It's Bad for Ya!", www.imdb.com. 2008.

Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.

Heart, Iron, Gold

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