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George Carlin Quotes about Funny - Page 6

All George Carlin Quotes Abortion Age Aging Airplane Alcohol Art Atheism Atheist Balance Baseball Beer Belief Boundaries Bullshit Cancer Children Choices Church Comedy Cooking Country Crime Culture Cynicism Death Drinking Dying Earth Effort Environment Evil Family Feelings Fighting Food Football Friday Fun Funny quotes Getting High Giving Giving Up God Golf Growth Guilt Hard Work Hate Hatred Heart Hell Holiday Home Honesty House Humanity Hurt Hypocrisy Inspiration Inspirational Jesus Judging Killing Language Laughter Life Lying Memories Military Money Morning Mountain Observation Office Pain Past Peace Perspective Philosophy Pleasure Police Pot Prayer Quality Rain Reading Religion Running Safety Sarcasm School Science Selling Shame Sleep Smile Smoking Soul Speed Sports Talent Team Time Today Travel Truth Values Vegetarian Voting Waiting Wall War Water Wife Work Worry Worship Writing

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Funny, Death, Long

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

Funny, God, Atheist

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Funny, Humor, Stupid People

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!

Funny, Friday, Clever

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

Funny, God, Powerful

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

Funny, God, Sarcastic

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

Funny, Humorous, Food

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

Funny, Christian, Sarcastic

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

Funny, Humorous, People

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Love, Funny, Cute Relationship

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

Funny, Wise, Humor

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Funny, Witty, Firsts

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

Funny, Stupid, Humor

George Carlin (2009). “Last Words”, p.132, Simon and Schuster

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Funny, Thinking, People

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.415, Hachette UK

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

Funny, Cancer, Humor

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Funny, Texas, Execution

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

Funny, Stupid, Humor

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Funny, Humor, Principles

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.95, Hachette UK

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

Funny, Humorous, Needs

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

Funny, Golf, Punishment

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

Funny, Team, Humor

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

Funny, Running, Stupid

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.252, Hachette UK

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.

Funny, People, Criminals

"What Am I Doing in New Jersey?". Documentary, Comedy, 1988.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

Funny, Humor, Groups

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

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