Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Budget: a way of going broke methodically
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Whatever it is, I'm against it.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs
Patience is the art of finding something else to do.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
