Groucho Marx Quotes - Page 3

Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Time wounds all heels.

Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.