Groucho Marx Quotes - Page 4

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Women should be obscene, not heard.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

Always examine the dice.