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P. J. ORourke Quotes - Page 15

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Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.

Birthday, Funeral, Cards

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.12, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

Journalists aren't supposed to praise things. It's a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something.

Funny, Buying, Serious

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer”, p.41, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

Actually, there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing.

Luck, Stories, Vomiting

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.58, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

Never steal anything so small that you'll have to go to an unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum-security federal tennis prison.

Cities, Jail, Tennis

P. J. O'Rourke (2015). “Thrown Under the Omnibus: A Reader”, p.25, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailboating equipment, the gin and tonic.

Funny, Australia, Sailing

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Holidays in Hell: In Which Our Intrepid Reporter Travels to the World's Worst Places and Asks, "What's Funny About Thi”, p.145, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.

Thanksgiving, Years, Thankfulness

War will exist as long as there's a food chain.

War, Long, Chains

P.J. O'Rourke (2012). “Holidays in Hell”, p.13, Atlantic Books Ltd

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Funny, Witty, Laughter

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Funny, Happiness, Clever

And, by the way, how come all the people who were so in favor of unilateral nuclear disarmament are so opposed to unilateral protection against nukes?

Nuclear Disarmament, People, Favors

The American political system is like fast food - mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things and everybody wants some.

Political, Insulting, Want

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government”, p.25, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

Every generation finds the drug it needs.

Addiction, Drug, Needs

P. J. O'Rourke (2016). “Republican Party Reptile: The Confessions, Adventures, Essays and (Other) Outrages of . . .”, p.25, Pan Macmillan

Dating is the social engagement with the threat of sex at its conclusion.

Sex, Dating, Engagement

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.96, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

To really enjoy drugs you've got to want to get out of where you are. But there are some wheres that are harder to get out of than others. This is the drug-taking problem for adults. Teenage Weltscbmerz is easy to escape. But what drug will get a grown-up out of, for instance, debt?

Teenage, Addiction, Drug

"Republican Party Reptile". Book by P. J. O'Rourke, 1987.

The real truth about children is they don't speak the language very well. They're physically uncoordinated. And they are ignorant of our elaborate ideas about right and wrong.

Children, Real, Ideas

"The Bachelor Home Companion. A practical guide to keeping house like a pig". Book by P. J. O'Rourke, 1986.

In Japan people drive on the left. In China people drive on the right. In Vietnam it doesn't matter.

Japan, People, Vietnam

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty”, p.319, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

Rich parents are famous both for miserliness and astonishing longevity. And, when they finally do die, you'll find they've left their estate in inviolate trust to the golden retrievers.

Family, Parent, Golden Retrievers

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.20, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

The young are adept at learning, but even more adept at avoiding it.

Veteran, Young, Avoiding

Men generally pay for all expenses on a date ... either sex, however, may bring a little gift, its value to be determined by the bizarrness of the sexual request to be made later that evening.

Sex, Men, Dating

P. J. O'Rourke (1983). “Modern manners”, Dell Books

I am no stranger to loud music. I've been to a Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels concert. I once dated a woman with two kids.

Kids, Two, Detroit

People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it's simply a measurement.

Philosophy, Thinking, People

"Philosophy and The Wealth of Nations, PJ O'Rourke". "The Philosopher's Zone" with Alan Saunders, www.abc.net.au. April 25, 2009.

Australia is not very exclusive. On the visa application they still ask if you've been convicted of a felony - although they are willing to give you a visa even if you haven't been.

Funny, Humor, Australia

P.J. O'Rourke (2015). “Thrown Under the Omnibus”, p.161, Atlantic Books Ltd

The political process consists entirely of politicians talking out of their butts.

Talking, Political, Politician

You can't get something for nothing. Everybody remembers this except politicians.

Political, Remember, Politician

P. J. O'Rourke (2011). “Eat the Rich: A Treatise on Economics”, p.76, Pan Macmillan

We should never hesitate to listen to a fool about life because life is pretty foolish as far as I can tell.

Fool, Life Is, Should

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