Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about Wife

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

My wife gives good headache.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.