I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
