All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
I had amnesia once or twice.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
