I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
