I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.
My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
