Steven Wright Quotes - Page 9

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

If you shoot a Mime, do you need to use a silencer?

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?