Funny Quotes - Page 99

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

In physics, you don't have to go around making trouble for yourself - nature does it for you.

A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to take it off of you.

I don't believe in things like that - fairies or brownies or magic or anything. It's old-fashioned.' 'Well, we must be jolly old-fashioned then,' said Bessie. 'Because we not only believe in the Faraway Tree and love our funny friends there, but we go to see them too - and we visit the lands at the top of the Tree as well!

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

To the people I forgot, you weren't on my mind for some reason and you probably don't deserve any thanks anyway.

Be precise. A lack of precision is dangerous when the margin of error is small.

Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.

North Dakota State. What do you have to do there to graduate? Milk a cow with your left hand?

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

Happiness should always remain a bit incomplete. After all, dreams are boundless.

money is not everything but it ranks right up there with oxygen

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I think there's something odd about eating another living anything.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Insist upon yourself. Be original.

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.