Funny Quotes - Page 97

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love

I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel room is write a letter. "My dearest Gwendolyn, I arrived by nightfall at the Embassy Suites. It will be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive. Allow me to explain the curious charge at the ledger. It is because I miss thee so much, darling, I accidentally ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."

But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.

There is no Democratic or Republican way of cleaning the streets.

He who laughs.....lasts.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are. That's where us gay people come from - you heterosexuals.

Haters will broadcast your failure, but whisper your success.

There is no difference between religion and politics. Both involve lies and fanatical beliefs that generaly defy logic... Just like rock climbing.

The superior man makes the difficulty to be overcome his first interest; success only comes later.

Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have nonsense respected.

Deliberate with caution, but act with decision and yield with graciousness, or oppose with firmness.

Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred, then a thousand more.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?

Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't.