Funny Quotes - Page 98

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?

If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best - that is inspiration.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane

There will be good days and bad, which means that some days I may be cranky and some days really cranky!

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."

To go into acting is like asking for admission to an insane asylum. Anyone may apply, but only the certifiably insane are admitted.

I don't know what to say so I'll just say what's in my heart...badoom, badoom, badoom.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson

People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day of my life. We didn't board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?'

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Beer ... a high and mighty liquor.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

When I first started running, I was so embarrassed I'd walk when cars passed me. I'd pretend I was looking at the flowers!

Most successful investors, in fact, do nothing most of the time.

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

About the time we can make the ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.