Funny Quotes - Page 107

The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

You always say 'I'll quit when I start to slide', and then one morning you wake up and realize you've done slid.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!

This planet is our home. If we destroy the planet, we've destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important.

Travel like Ghandi, with simple clothes, open eyes and an uncluttered mind.

Love is an endless mystery, for it has nothing else to explain it.

If your sister is in a tearing hurry to go out and cannot catch your eye, she's wearing your best sweater.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am.

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

In some families, please is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was sorry.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

Irish Alzheimer's: you forget everything except the grudges

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you. . . . I want to marry you. . . . I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.

One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: ‘To rise above little things’.

Yeah, I'm scared. I'm scared I might kill Schmeling.