Funny Quotes - Page 109

We grew up founding our dreams on the infinite promise of American advertising. I still believe that one can learn to play the piano by mail and that mud will give you a perfect complexion.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

Your services might be as useful as a barbershop on the steps of a guillotine.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?

I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat.

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

A book is really like a lover. It arranges itself in your life in a way that is beautiful.

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.

If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.

The joy of music should never be interrupted by a commercial.

Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky.

The average Hollywood film star's ambition is to be admired by an American, courted by an Italian, married to an Englishman and have a French boyfriend.

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.