Funny Quotes - Page 110

A cigar has "...a fire at one end and a fool at the other."

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

"No comment" is a comment.

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a person dull, boring, and despised.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish. Hence the difficulty of forcing anything into an empty head.

All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"

What am I thankful for? MY POLKA DOTS!!

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

My weaknesses have always been food and men - in that order.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.

When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news.

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.