Funny Quotes - Page 108

Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.

I'm stingy and I'm proud of the reputation.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.

Is man one of God's blunders? Or is God one of man's blunders?

The earth has a skin and that skin has diseases; one of its diseases is called man.

Keep running after a dog and he will never bite you.

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

The perfecting of one's self is the fundamental base of all progress and all moral development.

Heaven means to be one with God.

A man who does not think and plan long ahead will find trouble right at his door.

I try to stick to a vegan diet heavy on fruit and vegetables.

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

I’m not like most designers, who have to set sail on an exotic getaway to get inspired. Most of the time, it’s on my walk to work, or sitting in the subway and seeing something random or out of context.