Funny Quotes - Page 111

The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible.

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

My rackets are run on strictly American lines and they're going to stay that way.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

Between friends differences in taste or opinion are irritating in direct proportion to their triviality.

There is no such thing as an ugly woman.

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

When you lose a couple of times, it makes you realize how difficult it is to win.

I guess I'm just an old mad scientist at bottom. Give me an underground laboratory, half a dozen atom-smashers, and a beautiful girl in a diaphanous veil waiting to be turned into a chimpanzee, and I care not who writes the nation's laws.

Unemployment insurance is a pre-paid vacation for freeloaders.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I'm not confused. I'm just well mixed.

As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.

Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.

Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

Become goddesses of disobedience.

I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.