Funny Quotes - Page 112

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even.

I'm lazy. But it's the lazy people who invented the wheel and the bicycle because they didn't like walking or carrying things.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

You know you're living right when you wake up, brush your hair - and confetti falls out!

Let me have men about me that are fat, Sleek-headed-men, and such as sleep o'nights; Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look; he thinks too much; such men are dangerous.

...no one is born a great cook, one learns by doing.

If you want to give the devil a nervous breakdown, just get up every day and see how much good you can do.

The days pass happily with me wherever my ship sails.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Every law is an infraction of liberty.

There is a 'sanctity' involved with bringing a child into this world: it is better than bombing one out of it.

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.

Freedom of press is limited to those who own one.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.