Funny Quotes - Page 114

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

What is it like to be a bat? What is it like for a bat to be a bat?

I make more mistakes than anyone else I know, and sooner or later, I patent most of them.

I'd rather be strongly wrong than weakly right.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

There is only one difference between a long life and a good dinner: that, in the dinner, the sweets come last.

Even the gods love jokes.

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.