Funny Quotes - Page 115

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.

Money can't buy poverty.

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.

In most cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

Did you ever think that making a speech on economy is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Shortly after I met my mentor he asked me, ‘Mr. Rohn, how much money have you saved and invested over the last six years?’ And I said, ‘None.’ He then asked, ‘Who sold you on that plan?’

They [dogs] never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

You can talk any redneck into a challenge. That’s why so many rednecks die in strange ways.

Whatever advice you give, be short.

The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.

I am a sundial, and I make a botch Of what is done much better by a watch.

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags.

You know how Mexican restaurants always have "border" in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn't do that to black people: Kunta's Kitchen or Shackles. They don't do it to white people. You don't see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel... oh, nevermind.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I am not fond of speaking about politics because I don't have in my possession an army of 200,000 soldiers.