Funny Quotes - Page 113

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted

Humor is the mask of wisdom.

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

But you shall not escape my iambics.

Only the very weak-minded refuse to be influenced by literature and poetry.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

You Too? I thought I was the only one.

I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge."

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.

Most people's major life changes don't come from reading an article in the newspaper; they come from reading longer-form essays or thoughtful books, which are much more convincing and detailed.

Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.