Funny Quotes - Page 169

Hats off to drug abusers everywhere.

Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have.

Because that's what Hermione does,' said Ron, shrugging. 'When in doubt, go to the library.

God is indeed dead. He died of self-horror when He saw the creature He had made in His own image.

Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren't about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

In love, somehow, a man's heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in the wrong place.

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.

The phrase 'domestic cat' is an oxymoron.

When words fail, the guitar speaks.

I asked many friends if Australian anti-intellectualism was still a living force and they all told me it was. If you are above average intelligence, hide this embarrassing fact.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.