Funny Quotes - Page 167

Solutions are not the answer.

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

I never see any home cooking - all I get is fancy stuff.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.

Somebody said to me, 'But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.' That's a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, 'Now, let's write a swimming pool.'

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

El Salvador has the scenery of northern California and the climate of southern California plus - and this was a relief - no Californians.

If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.

Only the shallow know themselves.

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

The enemy of society is middle class and the enemy of life is middle age.

Man has will, but woman has her way.

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.

Look up there! That's the sky!

Unless I am very much mistaken...I AM very much mistaken...!

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

When I was a little kid, I wrote this play about all these characters living in a haunted house. There was a witch who lived there, and a mummy. When they were all hassling him, this guy who bought the house - I can't believe I remember this - he said to them, 'Who's paying the mortgage on this haunted house?' I thought that was really funny.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kid's therapy.