Funny Quotes - Page 168

New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.

great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great.

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.

In cross examination, as in fishing, nothing is more ungainly than a fisherman pulled into the water by his catch.

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

I have imbibed such a love for money that I keep some sequins in a drawer to count, and cry over them once a week.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of all statistics.

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

I guess good things come to those who wait.

I had the classic 40 meltdown, I did. It's embarrassing. It was pretty funny. But then I recovered. To me, it was like a second adolescence. Hormonally, my body was changing, my mind was changing, and so my relationship to myself and the world around me came to this assault of finiteness.

Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

If you are afraid of being lonely, don't try to be right.

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.

No man was ever so completely skilled in the conduct of life, as not to receive new information from age and experience.

Both humans and dogs love to play well into adulthood, and individuals from both species occasionally display evidence of having a conscience.

Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.

In my prime I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.