Funny Quotes - Page 171

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

Why should i go to his funeral? He ain't comming to mine.

Seek Not Every Quality In One Individual.

It's not so much a thankless task, it's more a job with no thanks

A mother is the best friend God ever gave.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

I couldn't believe it. That was the first time I had ever seen somebody celebrate for a whole 40-second clock. That was ridiculous.

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.

A comedian's body is funny as well as his mind being funny, his whole personage is funny.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

Life is so unlike theory.

When I appear in public, people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw the ground and swish my tail - none of which is easy.

Friendship: A ship big enough for two in fair weather, but only one in foul.