Funny Quotes - Page 166

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.

Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

If you don't dissagree with me, how will I know I'm right?

An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.

Funny you mention my dinner parties when I have just suggested that inviting close friends over to share a meal with candlelight and wine at your table could be a form of religious experience for some people. To me its a form of sacrament.

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

A tree's a tree. How many more do you need to look at?

It's wonderful to travel with somebody that you love and we never travel anywhere without one another.

But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be.

Peter also uses his wig as a cereal bowl... He'll some times have some, like, Top Ramen in it.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners.

We have a habit in writing articles published in scientific journals to make the work as finished as possible, to cover up all the tracks, to not worry about the blind alleys or describe how you had the wrong idea first, and so on. So there isn't any place to publish, in a dignified manner, what you actually did in order to get to do the work, although, there has been in these days, some interest in this kind of thing.