Funny Quotes - Page 170

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!

To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. - Voltaire Do be do be do.

You don't run 26 miles at five minutes a mile on good looks and a secret recipe.

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

Learn to trust yourself. That's very vital. ... Just stand with yourself. Remember, in his lifetime, Van Gogh sold only two paintings. I personally sold even fewer.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

From kindergarten to graduation, I went to public schools, and I know that they are a key to being sure that every child has a chance to succeed and to rise in the world.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

I think that the episodes are like mini horror films really; the characters make bad decisions early on and these things just snowball for them and get worse and worse. And that's what I find funny.

Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.