Funny Quotes - Page 26

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

The Church is not a gallery for the exhibition of eminent Christians, but a school for the education of imperfect ones.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

Sometimes you just gotta let sh-t go and say 'to hell with it' and move on.

Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.

If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Andre Dawson has a bruised knee and is listed as day-to-day. Aren't we all?

I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.

Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed - like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese.