Funny Quotes - Page 25

Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

n Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.

Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.

I'm an ocean, because I'm really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

Nothing will benefit human health and increase the chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet.

There is nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men's advances as long as they are in cash

It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.

The world is round so that friendship may encircle it.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened.

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.