Funny Quotes - Page 39

People ask me from time to time what it was like growing up with Henry Fonda as my father. I say, Ever see Fort Apache? He was like Colonel Thursday.

A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

The idea of winning a doctor's degree gradually assumed the aspect of a great moral struggle, and the moral fight possessed immense attraction for me.

Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck.

There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there'd be something I'd miss that was funny in the future. If there's a chance I'm going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that.

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

I never learned anything from a match that I won.

It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

It's better to hang out with people better than you. Pick out associates whose behavior is better than yours and you'll drift in that direction.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I take a vitamin every day; it's called a steak.

One should not attend even the end of the world without a good breakfast.

You're at your best when you don't know what you're doing.

If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.