Funny Quotes - Page 55

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

For NASA, space is still a high priority.

Always enter like a kitten and leave like a lion. But NEVER enter like a lion and leave like a kitten. Always be humble.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.

I am dying with the help of too many physicians.

To say that obesity is caused by merely consuming too many calories is like saying that the only cause of the American Revolution was the Boston Tea Party.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Nigel Mansell is the last person in the race apart from the five in front of him

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

The world is literally about to blow up.

To young men contemplating a voyage I would say go.

All the time he's boxing, he's thinking. All the time he was thinking, I was hitting him.

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.