Funny Quotes - Page 53

I'm not a naturally funny man. I find that I can only be funny, if I become someone else.

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.

Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Never moon a werewolf.

Why waste money on psychotherapy when you can listen to the B Minor Mass?

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves who was determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out of the corner of her mouth 'It unscrews the other way.

Buy real records in real shops, or I'll come round your house and scream at your mother.

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Clever and attractive women do not want to vote; they are willing to let men govern as long as they govern men.

I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

Interviewing is tough, especially if you don't know what you're looking for.

The older I get, the faster I was.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.